…If I weren’t so empty in the head and tied up in the tongue. (“Green and Dumb” Roger Clyne & the Peacemakers)

You know, this is ridiculous. I’m sitting in my bed, longing for, missing someone who was never mine.

This whole move has been haaard for me, but somehow, in some ways, this is has been the hardest. Leaving behind a relationship I never had. Will never have, now. So many silly little things remind me of him: seeing the model of car he drives, his facebook picture, snippets of conversations I once had with him, even the stupid FICTIONAL relationship in Catching Fire (AWESOME, btw). Honestly, I’m not even sure why I’m thinking about him now. I’ve tried very hard to put him out of my mind.

I … I don’t even know. I hate saying things like “I’ve never met anyone like him”, though I HAVEN’T – he is so awesome, and I’m going to be HEARTBROKEN when someone inevitably snatches him up – or “I’ve never felt this way about anyone” because I’ve said that about SO many boys over the years. I’ve even gotten pretty good about containing my verbal diarrhea when I’m in deep smit, but this? I don’t know, this feels different, even if perhaps it feels exactly the same as the last time it “felt different”.

He’s just…God, so awesome. Someone I could have loved, someone my family would have, my friends, someone I would have been thrilled to be able to introduce as my boyfriend. And it just never worked out. And I know that God’s got his hand in this. That if I were SUPPOSED to be with him, I would be, but that’s not super comforting when I feel like the best match I’ve ever met has slipped through my fingers.