Sit down, dear readers, I am going to tell you a story.

Halloween 2006, I was very casually dating this guy who ended up being (almost) the biggest douchebag I’ve ever met (which is a STORY in itself) (he told me once I was “girlfriend material”, and I was super excited even though I had NO IDEA what he meant by that and also once said he didn’t want to exclusive, but he didn’t think it was a good idea if we dated other people, TRUFAX). Anyway, so it’s Halloween, I’ve got three different parties to attend, I’m a SEXY LIBRARIAN RAWR. I have no idea where this dude I was dating is or what he was doing that night or why he wasn’t with me when I was looking so fine. Gentlemen, don’t let your ladies leave the house alone with that much boob on display. That’s how you end up with a Rent a Boyfriend.

The parties were fun, I was slowly getting buzzed, but I was probably pissed at the dude I was dating. He was, among other things, kind of flaky. I also think I made out with a very drunk girl, who was married to one of my bosses.

ANYWAY, I ended up at the house of one of the delivery drivers for the Italian restaurant I worked for, and one of our other drivers was all up in my grill hitting on me (hello! Did you see my boobs?), except he’s pretty much the creepiest guy I’ve ever met. After having him follow me around for about 10 minutes, I’m completely skeeved out, and I offer to make out with a REALLY HOT firefighter if he pretends to be my boyfriend. How could he refuse? I mean, did you see my boobs? And so, he introduced me to his friends and cousins as his girlfriend, and we spent the rest of the night making out. It was awesome.

BUT THEN, he texted me afterward, and we talked on the phone a couple of times, and he totally tried to friend me on MySpace, back before Facebook was the new MySpace, and it would have been WONDERFUL, and we would have found some way to work around the fact that he lived an hour and half away, and we would have lived HAPPILY EVER AFTER and had beautiful babies. EXCEPT. Remember that guy I was sort of dating? Well, THIS IS WHY he didn’t want to be exclusive but didn’t think we should see other people. Something about a complicated web of something. I don’t know. It didn’t make ANY sense to me at the time, and it still doesn’t. But because I was the good little “girlfriend material” girl, I respected his lame ass wishes and cut off contact with Rent A Boyfriend. AND I HAVE REGRETTED IT EVER SINCE. Or at least ever since the dude I was dating heinously dumped me in his BLOG a month later.

Oh, PS – I have a date, or something, on Saturday. Kind of nervous, but not too bad. I’m really good at first dates. I’m REALLY good at being cute and funny and sexy and luring a guy in. It’s everything after that gives me pause. Wish me luck!