I was recently dumped in a most heinous fashion, and whenever that happens, I seek solace in the fact that first, I’m better off and second, I’ll have a great story to tell at parties.

But just because crappy breakups lead to awesome stories doesn’t mean I want it to happen ALL. THE. TIME.

Like that time I was generically dumped in a blog (he was “conserving [his] energy for someone more awesome”. I will NEVER forget that. Also, what crack was he smoking? There is NO ONE more awesome). Or that time the dude I was IN LOVE with decided to have a Serious Talk about our feelings and how he wanted to date one of my best friends while we were drunk and naked in bed (though, technically, this wasn’t really a break up as we were only “dating” in the VERY loosest sense). Or that time I got The Catholic Guilt (he shook my hand at the door and wished me good luck in the new year. Seriously. Look, I’m SORRY I took your virginity and that it was a Precious Gift from God you were Saving, but if I recall correctly, YOU initiated The Sex. I was cool with just making out) (also, not really a break up, but a damn good story).

Last week, I received a notification from the meetup group I’d been hanging out with. Now, as far as I knew, our relationship was SOLID. I had friends. I was one of the “cool” kids. So it came as quite a shock to see that I had been removed from the group by the organizer. SURELY it was a mistake. A misunderstanding. Something we could work out. I knew we’d get through this stronger than before. But my email asking what was going on received no response, and then I noticed that the group page now proclaimed that I am PROHIBITED from joining the group. PROHIBITED.

DUDE. WHAT. I KNOW. I have NO IDEA why. It could be that I owe money (less than $30, I swear! And I gave some guy plenty of chances even when he owed me money!), but I have a feeling that it’s more likely personal issues being wrongly projected on me. And you know, if I were hanging out with someone as hot and single as me, I’d probably be worried too (except I’m too awesome for that).

And it especially sucks because that group is pretty much half of the people I know here. But guess what, meetup group?! You can’t keep a good woman down! I will go on other blind group friend dates! Better ones! They’ll be funnier and smarter and prettier and have bigger penises! HA! So when you realize your mistake, don’t come crawling back to me! I’ll be too busy having fun! Without you! BITCHES!

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