This is LEGEN-wait for it-DARY. Esquire put together a slideshow of tips from Barney Stinson on how to pick up women.

Knitting Graffiti. For a few minutes, I thought about doing something like this myself, but then I realized that would require A LOT of work.

Mom’s voice is practically as good as a hug. This TOTALLY explains why, whenever I’m having a shitty ass day, ALL I WANT is my momma. And why it’s so frustrating that she NEVER answers the phone or returns a call. HMPH.

Fun with security questions. What kind of questions would you come up with if you could create your own security question?

Well, why not? Shark sleeping bag

How JLo’s ass changed the world.

Why don’t more designers make plus-sized bras? Seriously, this. It is pretty much the most frustrating thing IN THE ENTIRE WORLD to take my boobs bra shopping because NO ONE carries the right size of bra, and if I DO find something, most of the time, while it holds the girls up and looks good under clothes, you know what it isn’t? SEXY. Most bras for boobs my size are the bra equivalent of granny panties! Look, I want my bra to make my boobs look good under clothes. Most people only ever see me clothed, so it’s important for my boobs to make a good impression, but can I PLEASE JUST ONCE PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD find a bra that fits right and doesn’t cover me from ribs to collar bone? And is maybe even made out of cute material? I have a hard time feeling sexy and fierce when my undergarments aren’t, and such full coverage bras really limit my wardrobe choices. I can’t wear any low cut tops and even some moderately cut tops don’t fully cover the bra! That’s THREE QUARTERS of the shirts that I own! So I either need CONSTANT VIGILANCE or turtlenecks! Neither is a good option! And if I can’t wear low cut tops, no one can appreciate my MAGNIFICENT cleavage! And if you know me, you know how strongly I feel about sharing my cleavage with the world. I’m like a freaking cleavage MISSIONARY. It’s like I’m doing the Lord’s Work, and IT SUFFERS because my bras aren’t sexy! In conclusion, dear Baby Jesus, please send me sexy, supportive undergarments, so I can continue sharing with the world that with which you have blessed me. (My frustration with bra shopping could explain why my panty drawer is overflowing.)