Angst & Woe

So I am going through a bit of the usual periodic work angst, which was brought on by an amazing two week break from work and stress and pms and dreading getting back to the regular grind of everything. And last night was better than today because, naturally, it wasn’t as bad as I had convinced myself it was. But that didn’t stop me from staying up all night reading wanted ads on Craigslist because this … just isn’t what I want to do.

And I KNOW everyone hates their jobs, and that I can’t expect to be satisfied all the time with what I do, but I’d like to be satisfied SOME of the time. And I don’t know if anything is going to pan out or if I want anything to pan out or if anything’s SUPPOSED to pan out, but I want to sort of stay more on top of keeping an eye on job postings that might be Relevant to my Interests. Because maybe, just maybe, if I’m doing something Relevant to my Interests, school will be a little easier, more … real maybe? More better. We’ll see. I’ve got almost a year before classes would start, if I even get in, and they just opened applications for next Fall, and I need to get on that.

And I’ve got Hawaii posts and pictures coming, but I need to snag my feller’s memory card because I didn’t pull my camera out once during our trip. My sad, lonely camera lived in the safe the entire time, so I have no pictures to share that haven’t already been posted to Twitter. So, you know, eventually.

Wish List

Today, I want:

a motorcycle (a really awesome sexay one with the VROOM VROOM and leather and chrome and GUH)

a new tattoo, but I don’t know what I would get where. I’m happy to take suggestions, though

to go dancing. I was listening to Gaga earlier on the BART, and bitch makes me wanna MOVE. I need to find me an awesome group of people and a club (of the non douchey variety, please) to get my freak on.

a hair cut

new jeans that fit really well

This weekend was fun, but I didn’t do a damn thing I needed to, which means I really need to buckle down the rest of this week before flying out to Pittsburgh. I have a LOT on my plate: school, jeans shopping, car stuff, packing, exercise, retrieving some books I lent to a friend, and I might want to hang out with this feller I’ve been seeing. Maybe.

Tomorrow after work, I’m (hopefully! barring being at work late) hitting the gym for yoga, and then I’m gonna come home to Jillian Michaels 30 Day Shred. I’ve started reading the Shredheads blog, and that, combined with Mariam’s desire to run a 5k race, have convinced me that it’s Mother Fucking Go Time.

I tend to have a difficult time exercising/getting into shape because I’m okay with the way I look. I like my body, and while I would like to be more FIT, I’m not super concerned about shedding pounds (though dropping some weight would be nice and probably make my boobs more manageable). And also, I really like food.

But this time FOR REALLY REALS I’M TOTALLY SERIOUS ABOUT, REALLY I’m going to make a serious effort to get more fit. The plan is this: yoga at least once a week (twice would be better, but might be difficult to do), Couch to 5K 3 times a week (Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday), and 30 Day Shred every day for the next 30 days (or as many as I can; traveling days this weekend might be a loss, but I’ll make them up).

I’m going to try to post everyday with, at the VERY least, a comment that I completed my daily workout, but I’m totally going to need help with accountability. Someone needs to kick my butt if I start slacking! Because this is IMPORTANT. For my health and longevity and waist. I’m probably going to need reminders that even though my body maintains a pretty steady weight I’m happy with, someday soon my metabolism is gonna slow down, and I could quickly end up at a weight I am NOT happy with. And also, that I have two pairs of Gap jeans in a size 10 that I’ve never been able to wear because they fit that ONE DAY when I bought them and then NEVER AGAIN, and I would really like to be able to get some use out of them.

Wish me luck.

Time’s slipping away

“This too shall pass.” I say that a lot, or actually I say “Make it through this crappy thing, and the next thing will be less crappy.” Which is great for when you’ve got crappy stuff to get through, but certainly leaves a lot to be desired as a motto. I certainly don’t want to go through my life just getting through the crappy stuff, only to realize that there’s never a magical time when it all just WORKS, when everything is GOOD, and I’ve spent all of my time just getting through.

Where is the balance between getting through it and enjoying it? I’m not sure, but I want to make more of an effort to enjoy life, even the crappy parts, even the parts I can’t wait to get through.

I’ve got some things to think about, but I don’t know what to think.

I want a man to stand beside me

When I was moving to the Bay Area, one of my biggest concerns was, and continues to be, dating. I have dated (“dated”) a WIIIIIIDE variety of dudes, but I really have one VERY specific type. I like big guys, broad shoulders, nice smile, very masculine, a little rough around the edges, older than me. I don’t like pretty boys or metrosexual boys or ones who are super polished and put together. There’s nothing wrong with those guys, they’re just not my cup of tea. I like Harley riders and cowboys and firefighters and football players and military guys. If I could build myself a man, he would pretty much be Jeffrey Dean Morgan, tall, charming, scruffy and a little unkempt.

In Tucson, finding this kind of guy would not be that difficult. My church is home to plenty of military and bikers (and guys who are both! SWOON). My best friend’s fiance coaches high school football, and some of his fellow coaches are FINE, and he was a member of the cowboys and farmers fraternity, so most of his brothers are RIGHT up my alley. Plus the air force base is really close. Not to mention I have friends there to go out and do stuff with, making it easier and WAY more fun to be in places where I COULD meet someone.

Now, San Francisco/the Bay Area is HUGE, and a lot of people live here, so it has that numbers thing going for it. However, HOW IN THE HELL do I meet any of the guys who live here who I might be interested in? A masculine, little rough around the edges dude who’s down with church? None of the guys who actually go to my church qualify; there are some good looking guys, but they’re all more feminine metrosexual polished, I guess is the best word, than I like. The only facial hair to be found has been groomed to excess, and there are not a lot of big guys. And I don’t know any area bars or hot spots to go boy scouting. It’s frustrating.

Now, I’m not saying that I ONLY want to date this one specific type of guy, but initial attraction is important, and I know what I like. This doesn’t stop me from dating other types: my one serious boyfriend was super skinny and younger than me and the guy I came closest to dating in college took longer to get ready than me and held pretty much the exact opposite opinions on everything than I did. I’m open to other possibilities, is what I’m saying.

God and I have spent a lot of time discussing this very topic. He knows my feelings on the subject and knows what I would like to see in a mate, so at this juncture, I’m just trying to be patient and trust in His plan for my life. I know he’s got someone out there for me, and I’ll find him when the time is right.

That said, this morning I drove into work behind a guy in a pickup truck with a sticker for the Marines and Cross Canadian Ragweed in his back window. How do I meet HIM?