Archives for posts with tag: sex

One of the things I wanted to do while we were in London was maybe catch a show, if I could get my paws on a cheap matinee ticket. I checked at a couple of “half price musical tickets” places, and well, their half price tickets still hovered around 50 pounds. Which is about 30-35 pounds more than I was willing to dish out. Thankfully, the pub in which we spent most of our off time drinking had a poster on the wall for a play called The Children’s Hour, though I only noticed it because Keira Knightley and Elisabeth Moss’s floating heads were staring down at me from a black background. At any rate, I thought, “Well, I don’t know ANYTHING about this play, but I like Elisabeth Moss and Keira Knightley is really famous, so WHY NOT?!”

Children's Hour

After the Doctor Who Experience, I figured I’d go check out the box office, scope out how to get there and ask about cheap matinee tickets. Which I did and then left. And promptly realized I was just in time to catch that day’s matinee. So I turned myself around, waited in line AGAIN, and asked they still had any of the 10 pound tickets left. And they did! And the show was great! Keira was very … Keira-ly! It’s about two young women who run a boarding school together in the 30’s (or so) who are accused by a pathological lying 12 year old of being lesbian lovers. They lose EVERYTHING, and in the end (SPOILERS) Elisabeth Moss admits that she IS totally in love with Keira Knightley and then kills herself. Happy fun times, FOR SURE. Elisabeth Moss was SUPER moving. It also starred Miracle Max’s wife and Hey It’s That Lady!, plus some other people I’ve never really heard of.

In a Forest, Dark and Deep

I’d also seen signs all over London for In a Forest Dark and Deep with Foxy and Olivia William, who was AWESOME in Dollhouse (WATCH IT, start with episode 5), and I decided that I’d really like to see THAT too! But did I have time?! Or money?! I did when I saw The Children’s Hour after Dr Who for 10 pounds! So the next week, Feller and I headed to the theater to see if we could get the 15 pound matinee tickets for this show. And we did! They were in the front row! We were like 10 feet away from Foxy and his giant, grey goatee! Some guy got whacked in the head when Olivia Williams accidentally threw her phone off the stage! They were the only two characters ever present in the show, and they totally rocked it. It’s about a brother who comes to help his sister move out of a vacation cottage, in the process of which he discovers she’s been having an affair with one of her college students. Then there’s a really awkward moment where I’m not sure Foxy loves his sister like a brother or LOVES his sister. And then! MORE SECRETS ARE REVEALED. Feller and I walked out of the show all, “WHOA. That was … intense. I … liked it?”

Sexual Nature Posters

While in London, I also went to the Tower of London, because my g’ma and I had managed to miss that when we went to the UK together when I was 16, and I made it over to the Natural History Museum for their Sexual Nature exhibit. They had posters for that things ALL OVER EVERYWHERE, which is how I knew about it and why I went to the museum, so I guess their marketing plan worked. And it was TOTALLY my kind of museum exhibit, and I just wish that I had had someone to share it with (Feller was working). They had some awesome displays of insects and animals caught in the act and really beautiful portraits of various animals doing it, and stations where Isabella Rossellini performed short videos about different creatures’ sexual habits, called Green Porno and Seduce Me (GO WATCH some of those videos, seriously, they’re AMAZING. Beautiful and informative and HILARIOUS). Bought the Green Porno book/DVD combo they had for sale and made Feller sit and watch it with me. SO GREAT. BEST THING EVER.

Foxes

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This girl says she’s slept with ONE THOUSAND men. Okay, let me list my thoughts here.

1) I will never feel bad about the number of dudes I’ve slept with ever again.
2) How do we know she isn’t a total Liar McLiarson? Or that the publication didn’t totally make this story up? Because really, what woman DECIDES she’s going to have sex with 1,000 dudes? Like, I just DON’T EVEN understand that mindset, and I like sex. Quite a lot. A LOT A LOT. And I have NO DESIRE to have sex with that many guys. Because really? It would be EXHAUSTING.
3)WHY DOES SHE HAVE PICTURES WITH ALL THESE DUDES?! Who takes pictures with one night stands?! Who does that?! For the most part, I would like to NOT REMEMBER that my one night stands were NOT as hot as I wanted them to be.
4) How has her vagina not fallen out or stretched so much it’s useless? Them’s a lot of kegels to keep it tight after ONE THOUSAND men.
5) How will she EVER explain it to her kids when they Google her and find this article?
6) Or her future husband for that matter. Because I bet “I slept with 1,000 men” isn’t something you bring up unless you have to.
7) The picture they use of her at the top of the article is the BEST they could do? Really? She’s decently cute in the one night stand pictures, but kind of fug in that top one.
8) Also, EW. DISEASE. I want a full list of the men she’s slept with so I can be sure to never sleep with any of them because I’M SURE there’s some redonk nastiness going around that group. Also, she totally has the herp.
9) If she’s not totally disease ridden, that’s a lot of money spent on condoms. And lube. Do you think she carries her own around or just relies on her conquests to provide them? If the latter, she’s DEFINITELY disease riddled because 99% of dudes don’t carry condoms/use them willingly.

I’m just totally disgusted and baffled by this. Like, who does this?! And where were her friends when she was making the decision to sleep with ONE THOUSAND MEN?! Because I hope my friends would beat me about the head and neck were I ever to suggest some dumb shit like this.

Every month, Shredheads poses a fitness challenge, and this month it’s taking your Before pictures.

I have Befores. They’re sitting on my phone, waiting for me to upload and share them but not yet. I’m not After yet, and I don’t want anyone to see me Before (for some reason Befores always look so much worse than I actually do).

But this week has been the start of me actually doing something about it. I’ve exercised every day this week (if you count cleaning as exercise) (and I totally do; have you ever tried putting a futon cover back on after washing it? STRENUOUS), and I plan on keeping up this streak for the next 27 days. I’ve 30 Day Shred sitting at home, and I have NO EXCUSE not to bust out a 20 minute workout. And this week, I’ve been so busy, that I haven’t been able to sit at home and veg or eat or anything that might derail this. Even though I totally want to; I have the last two discs of Moonlight waiting for me (stop judging me). Today, I’m even going to attempt doing two levels at once, for a 40 minute work out. I might also fall over dead, so if you don’t hear from me again, that’s why.

I’ve also been focusing on eating better. I’ve eaten more fruits and veggies in the last three days than I ever have before, and I’m also stocking my fridge with other good for me snacks: light yogurt and string cheese, walnuts, homemade pasta sauce with whole wheat macaroni, and the most delicious white bean and basil hummus I have ever eaten EVER. I’ve been eating A LOT, but it’s all been tons of watermelon or berries or cherries or peaches or celery or sugar snap peas or broccoli.

I’m feeling good. I’m EXHAUSTED, and I know more sleep will help with weight loss and stuff, and next week, I’m really going to focus on getting to bed by 10, but for now…I’m good.

Also, the times, they may be a-changing, so please send some prayers/thoughts/good vibrations my way that everything works out the way it should.

Also, also, this is pretty much the hottest blog post I’ve ever read. Who knew that I should have been blogging about all my college sexcapades all that time? And now, I’m having them with a feller I respect enough not to blog about his penis or how he fucks (hint: AWESOMELY). I think I missed my calling back then.

I hate how I can go months and months and months and MONTHS AND MONTHS without having sex and be fine with it. I mean, I miss sex, and I would LIKE to be having it, but I’m not like desperate for it, and I’m not thinking about it all the time. I mean, I AM thinking about it all the time, but not in an “I gotta have it” kind of way. BUT THEN, when I finally have sex again, I CANNOT. STOP. THINKING. ABOUT IT. ALL THE FUCKING TIME. ALL. THE. TIME. I’m thinking about when I’m going to have it again and how awesome it was the last time and how I want to have it again like RIGHT FUCKING NOW and how awesome it’s going to be when I have it again, which DEAR BABY JESUS, PLEASE BE SOON. LIKE NOW WOULD BE GREAT.

You know what would be super? Having sex.

I got my new boots today, and they’re amazing. They look good, and once they’re broken in, they’ll be the most comfortable shoes I ever own.

But every time I take them off (several times now, thanks to airport security), I flashback to the time I took someone else’s boots off and how sexy it was. How intimate. I look forward to feeling that again.