I got my new boots today, and they’re amazing. They look good, and once they’re broken in, they’ll be the most comfortable shoes I ever own.
But every time I take them off (several times now, thanks to airport security), I flashback to the time I took someone else’s boots off and how sexy it was. How intimate. I look forward to feeling that again.
Sit down, dear readers, I am going to tell you a story.
Halloween 2006, I was very casually dating this guy who ended up being (almost) the biggest douchebag I’ve ever met (which is a STORY in itself) (he told me once I was “girlfriend material”, and I was super excited even though I had NO IDEA what he meant by that and also once said he didn’t want to exclusive, but he didn’t think it was a good idea if we dated other people, TRUFAX). Anyway, so it’s Halloween, I’ve got three different parties to attend, I’m a SEXY LIBRARIAN RAWR. I have no idea where this dude I was dating is or what he was doing that night or why he wasn’t with me when I was looking so fine. Gentlemen, don’t let your ladies leave the house alone with that much boob on display. That’s how you end up with a Rent a Boyfriend.
The parties were fun, I was slowly getting buzzed, but I was probably pissed at the dude I was dating. He was, among other things, kind of flaky. I also think I made out with a very drunk girl, who was married to one of my bosses.
ANYWAY, I ended up at the house of one of the delivery drivers for the Italian restaurant I worked for, and one of our other drivers was all up in my grill hitting on me (hello! Did you see my boobs?), except he’s pretty much the creepiest guy I’ve ever met. After having him follow me around for about 10 minutes, I’m completely skeeved out, and I offer to make out with a REALLY HOT firefighter if he pretends to be my boyfriend. How could he refuse? I mean, did you see my boobs? And so, he introduced me to his friends and cousins as his girlfriend, and we spent the rest of the night making out. It was awesome.
BUT THEN, he texted me afterward, and we talked on the phone a couple of times, and he totally tried to friend me on MySpace, back before Facebook was the new MySpace, and it would have been WONDERFUL, and we would have found some way to work around the fact that he lived an hour and half away, and we would have lived HAPPILY EVER AFTER and had beautiful babies. EXCEPT. Remember that guy I was sort of dating? Well, THIS IS WHY he didn’t want to be exclusive but didn’t think we should see other people. Something about a complicated web of something. I don’t know. It didn’t make ANY sense to me at the time, and it still doesn’t. But because I was the good little “girlfriend material” girl, I respected his lame ass wishes and cut off contact with Rent A Boyfriend. AND I HAVE REGRETTED IT EVER SINCE. Or at least ever since the dude I was dating heinously dumped me in his BLOG a month later.
Oh, PS – I have a date, or something, on Saturday. Kind of nervous, but not too bad. I’m really good at first dates. I’m REALLY good at being cute and funny and sexy and luring a guy in. It’s everything after that gives me pause. Wish me luck!
…If I weren’t so empty in the head and tied up in the tongue. (“Green and Dumb” Roger Clyne & the Peacemakers)
You know, this is ridiculous. I’m sitting in my bed, longing for, missing someone who was never mine.
This whole move has been haaard for me, but somehow, in some ways, this is has been the hardest. Leaving behind a relationship I never had. Will never have, now. So many silly little things remind me of him: seeing the model of car he drives, his facebook picture, snippets of conversations I once had with him, even the stupid FICTIONAL relationship in Catching Fire (AWESOME, btw). Honestly, I’m not even sure why I’m thinking about him now. I’ve tried very hard to put him out of my mind.
I … I don’t even know. I hate saying things like “I’ve never met anyone like him”, though I HAVEN’T – he is so awesome, and I’m going to be HEARTBROKEN when someone inevitably snatches him up – or “I’ve never felt this way about anyone” because I’ve said that about SO many boys over the years. I’ve even gotten pretty good about containing my verbal diarrhea when I’m in deep smit, but this? I don’t know, this feels different, even if perhaps it feels exactly the same as the last time it “felt different”.
He’s just…God, so awesome. Someone I could have loved, someone my family would have, my friends, someone I would have been thrilled to be able to introduce as my boyfriend. And it just never worked out. And I know that God’s got his hand in this. That if I were SUPPOSED to be with him, I would be, but that’s not super comforting when I feel like the best match I’ve ever met has slipped through my fingers.
When I was moving to the Bay Area, one of my biggest concerns was, and continues to be, dating. I have dated (“dated”) a WIIIIIIDE variety of dudes, but I really have one VERY specific type. I like big guys, broad shoulders, nice smile, very masculine, a little rough around the edges, older than me. I don’t like pretty boys or metrosexual boys or ones who are super polished and put together. There’s nothing wrong with those guys, they’re just not my cup of tea. I like Harley riders and cowboys and firefighters and football players and military guys. If I could build myself a man, he would pretty much be Jeffrey Dean Morgan, tall, charming, scruffy and a little unkempt.
In Tucson, finding this kind of guy would not be that difficult. My church is home to plenty of military and bikers (and guys who are both! SWOON). My best friend’s fiance coaches high school football, and some of his fellow coaches are FINE, and he was a member of the cowboys and farmers fraternity, so most of his brothers are RIGHT up my alley. Plus the air force base is really close. Not to mention I have friends there to go out and do stuff with, making it easier and WAY more fun to be in places where I COULD meet someone.
Now, San Francisco/the Bay Area is HUGE, and a lot of people live here, so it has that numbers thing going for it. However, HOW IN THE HELL do I meet any of the guys who live here who I might be interested in? A masculine, little rough around the edges dude who’s down with church? None of the guys who actually go to my church qualify; there are some good looking guys, but they’re all more feminine metrosexual polished, I guess is the best word, than I like. The only facial hair to be found has been groomed to excess, and there are not a lot of big guys. And I don’t know any area bars or hot spots to go boy scouting. It’s frustrating.
Now, I’m not saying that I ONLY want to date this one specific type of guy, but initial attraction is important, and I know what I like. This doesn’t stop me from dating other types: my one serious boyfriend was super skinny and younger than me and the guy I came closest to dating in college took longer to get ready than me and held pretty much the exact opposite opinions on everything than I did. I’m open to other possibilities, is what I’m saying.
God and I have spent a lot of time discussing this very topic. He knows my feelings on the subject and knows what I would like to see in a mate, so at this juncture, I’m just trying to be patient and trust in His plan for my life. I know he’s got someone out there for me, and I’ll find him when the time is right.
That said, this morning I drove into work behind a guy in a pickup truck with a sticker for the Marines and Cross Canadian Ragweed in his back window. How do I meet HIM?
The Alluring Danger of Dilettantism 